Invasion

The invasion of England has begun, reported the Eton College Chronicle in alarm. "An army of ill-bred and offensive words . . . spreading from Whitehall," said the Chronicle, "has contaminated our newspapers, whose pages are filled with roving participles and the remains of shattered infinitives.

"With all due respect to our American cousins, whose language is vivid and amusing and has a superficial resemblance to our own, it is they who are partly responsible for this deplorable state. . . .

"It was the Americans who taught us the value of headlines and the use of expressions like God-hungry [and] slumberwear [but] when the Americans say, 'Get to hell out of here, right away!' they are using eight words instead of the three needed for 'Go away now!' "

Government documents, said the Etonian editors, are rank with verbiage, due to "a popular misconception that to use long words is a sign of an expensive education. . . . We prefer a homely remark such as 'You've got some cheek, Bert' to 'Herbert, you are suffering from an inverted inferiority complex.' "

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