The Pumpers

Oh, Doppel-gedickel, gerohrgedeckt, Gerohrgedeckt, gerohrgedeckt, Oh, Doppel-gedickel, gerohrgedeckt, Gerohrgedeckt, ge-doo. The leonine head and thick-lensed spectacles of Archer Gibson, private organist for Charles Michael Schwab, bobbed over the keys of a small portable organ. The broad back of Author-Aeronaut Samuel Taylor Moore (Hetty Green) rose and fell over the pump-handle projecting from the organ's side. Some 80 tycoons, lesser businessmen, artists and writers boomed out their official anthem (chorus given above*) to the rhythmic accompaniment of pounded beer mugs in a big private dining room of the Hotel Brevoort, Manhattan. It was the "47th, 48th & 49th Fiscal Meetings and First Bicentennial Hard Times Party'' of the Guild of Former Pipe Organ Pumpers, a thriving, purposeless organization of men who at some time or other manned the pump-handle of an organ. Last week's meeting was typical of most (there have been nine), but it was bigger & better. Presiding was the founder and Grand Diapason, spare, bald-pated Author Chester Werntz ("diet") Shafer. As usual, most of the hilarity was provided by the "business" report, weightily and pompously delivered by Author Moore, Vox Humana (and Acting Tremolo) of the Guild. Vox Humana Moore pointed with pride to progress in one of the Guild's prime missions: conservation of the wild castiron animal life which is so fast disappearing from U. S. lawns. Congress was now considering the Guild's demand for a preserve, probably to be near Metropolis, Ill., "about three miles from Tillie Ephardt's place." Meanwhile the Guild was to make a great demonstration. Next day 10,000 members were to march from the Battery to Manhattan's Empire State Building, there to form a "living flag" while 25 cast-iron pigeons were released from the dirigible mooring mast on the tower. Vox Humana Moore had many another point to make: 1) He viewed with alarm the Guild's dwindling deficit: nothing but a membership drive would restore the deficit to its former whopping dimensions. 2) Fellow Pumper Richard Whitney, president of the New York Stock Exchange, had promised to have the Guild's diplomas listed on the exchange. 3) Despite the venomous gossip of enemies, the Guild was in no way responsible for the burning of convents in Spain; unbiased, the Guild would have burned all kinds of churches if it were burning anything. Somewhat more rational speeches were made by Pumper Benjamin Franklin Affleck of Chicago, president of Universal Portland Cement Co. (he once pumped for 35-c- a Sunday in Belleville, Ill.); by Pumper Frank D. Waterman (fountain pens), 1925 candidate-reject for Mayor of New York City; and by Pumper John M. Gibbons, general counsel for New York, New Haven & Hartford Railroad, who pumped for five years without pay in St. John's Catholic Church of Honesdale. Pa. After many a rousing hymn (favorite: "Touch Not the Cup") and a Big Free Magic Lantern Show presented by Grand Diapason Shafer, the meeting adjourned. History-- "Chet" Shafer, an amateur student of Americana, collector (at his home in Three Rivers, Mich.) of old shaving mugs, cross-stitch mottoes, cuspidors and headless wooden Indians, wrote for the Saturday Evening Post in 1926 an article called "The Pipe Organ Pumper"-- wherein he recalled the experiences of many a small boy (like himself) whose weekly chore before the electric-blower era was to sweat and grunt over the pumphandle in the organ loft. Theirs was the duty, indispensable to organist and choir, of keeping a crude pressure-gauge above the danger mark. On rare occasions, dreadfully unforgettable, the pumper might lag from exhaustion "and wreck a full throated anthem or a shrill soprano solo in the agonized screeches of the high pipes and the guttural grunts of the low ones as the wind suddenly expired." Least penalty for such dereliction: dismissal in disgrace. Reward for faithful service varied from nothing (except the privilege of sitting out of sight during the sermon) to Boston's lavish 50-c--per-Sunday. Average pay was about 15-c-. Concluding his article, Author Shafer whimsically proposed an organization of former pumpers. To his amazement, he was flooded by enthusiastic letters. Pumper Affleck wrote first, enclosing a check for 35-c---his weekly stipend at pumping--as proposed membership fee. U. S. Senator James Couzens demanded to join; for two years he had pumped at the Presbyterian Church of Chatham, Ont. for $5 a year. Third charter member was Julius Rosenwald (now Grand Quint of the Chicago Loft) who shrewdly earned 25-c- a Sunday for labor at the First Presbyterian Church of Springfield, Ill. (not at the temple attended by his parents). At last year's meeting of the Chicago Loft, Pumper Rosenwald delivered a report on "My First Pair of Double-Seated Bike Pants"; and Pumper Robert Arthur Wood, president of the Chicago Stock Exchange, explained his "Neat System for Picking Up Old Razor Blades."

Founder Shafer scarcely knew what had happened before he had an organization on his hands (now numbering about 1,000 with additional Lofts in Boston, Syracuse & Detroit). Membership requirement: proof of bonafide pumping, plus a life-membership fee of $5. Some of the members: the late Myron T. Herrick, Will H. Hays (who had to put his weekly 10-c- wage in the Sunday School collection box at Sullivan, Ind.); Author Arthur Pound; Harold Cunningham, onetime master of S.S. Leviathan, and his successor, Albert Randall; Managing Editor Kenneth C. Hogate of the Wall Street Journal, Colyumist Robert Hobart ("Bob") Davis, Artist Tony Sarg, Funnyman Tip Bliss. Actor James Gleason, Funnyman Milt Gross, Banker Phelps Newberry of Detroit (Guardian Detroit Bank); Broker Edward H. Kittredge (now Augmented Bombarde of the Guild).

Occasionally a former pumper who has heard vaguely of the Guild, takes it seriously, and, upon joining, attempts to guide its affairs into purposeful channels. His effort never survives his first meeting.

* Tune: "Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush." Theme: doppel-rohrgcdeckt, the name of the organ-stop that produces a flute effect. Gedickef is meaningless, inserted to jingle. * Enlarged to book form: THE PIPE ORGAN PUMPER * Greenberg, New York, 70pp. ($1.50).

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.