Laugh--And Keep Ready!

Laugh--And Keep Ready!

"See Russia and Die--Laughing" was the eye-catching title of a Satevepost article advertised last week in newspapers throughout the U. S.

The Writer: Eve Garrette Grady who pictured herself as "a young lady in a white-linen frock and a panama hat," escorted about Moscow by "a tall, dignified American gentleman, impeccably dressed by Bond Street"--apparently her husband.

The Laughs: "In a trolley in Moscow ... a business gentleman . . . with a very large and very naked fish in one hand."

Also "a portly looking matron from whose well upholstered bosom protrudes at frequent intervals the inquiring head of a yellow-billed duck that . . . utters a contemptuous 'quack' and disappears."

On the menu of Moscow's Grand Hotel: "Ragout of Intestines."

"The Russian waiter . . . nonchalantly approaching an elderly American gentleman . . . who has been waiting for one hour to have his order taken . . . and asking for a light for the cigaret that dangles from his nether lip."

Serious Matters-- Eve Garrette Grady wrote that she learned not to laugh when clothes-hungry Russians asked her on the street for how much she would sell, then and there, her panama hat, her white linen frock, even her silk stockings.

She managed not to laugh when five Soviet puttiers took all day to putty her three windows.

Her conclusions: 1) "The Russian workman finds that the lash of yesteryear has been thrown away--the lash that, when stoutly laid across his shoulders, taught him to obey orders as given and get a move on"; 2) "No two Russians can do anything whatsoever without at least a half hour's preliminary conversation"; 3) "The effort a Russian must put forth in order to secure the most rudimentary essentials for sustaining life under the Soviet sweating process would make a man rich in America."

13,530 Sparrows-- Not chronicled by Eve Garrette Grady, for it came only last week, was Russia's laugh of the year--a Gargantuan belly-quake which rocked the Union and was not suppressed by Soviet censors.

A circular telegram from Moscow, relayed throughout a local district from the city of Yelan, ended as follows when it reached the village of Inokovka: KEEP READY 13,530 SPARROWS.

Moscow orders, Russia obeys. With the fear of Dictator Stalin in their hearts, peasants rushed madly from their homes to catch 13,530 sparrows. They caught some 2,000 and caged them in a barn, but hungry local cats crept in and killed 200 sparrows overnight. What, oh what to do?

Suddenly into Inokovka rode three officials of the Soviet circuit court: Tovarisha (Comrades) Simokin, Karpov, Diubin. Humbly the peasants begged not to be punished for falling short of their sparrow quota. Good fellows, the circuit court officials joined with enthusiasm in the sparrow hunt. Fearing, however, that the district Soviet authorities at Yelan might be harder-hearted, the peasants, shrewd, sent a very pretty girl, Comrade Emelianova, to intercede with the district boss, Comrade Vorobiev.

Comrade Vorobiev was furious. "Dunderheads!" he roared, while a ripple of laughter began in his office that was to spread over all Russia, "Fools! The telegram I relayed to your village was an order ending with the usual slogan 'Keep Ready.' I added the serial number, 13,530, signed my name Vorobiev [sparrows]."

Moscow guffawed privately, took a dead serious official view. Pravda, official news-organ of the Soviet Regime, demanded that the three circuit court officials be recalled to Moscow, tried and severely punished "for making the State appear ridiculous," for not having had the wit to know that Dictator Stalin, whatever else he may do, does not order sparrows "kept ready."

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